This past weekend, God for People Who Hate Church Conference took place. It was quite successful and insightful. However, something happened on Saturday morning which for the most part was extremely shameful and put a small sour note to start the conference. Even though I offered a public apology and I asked and was given forgiveness. I felt my heart break in two, as well as sorrow for extremly disappointing those who love me from the Church.
Many individuals have been extremely concerned telling me: Do not beat yourself? Let it go if not the Devil continues to mess with you. We love you and realize life is messy.
Here is the problem even though through the death and resurrection of our Lord we are accepted the way we are and grace allows us to redeem ourselves, how do I forgive myself and allow grace to enter my heart. How do I create or allow INTERNAL GRACE to set in. Nothing I have done to attempt to make amends gives me the atonement and comfort I seek.
I guess only time will heal my wounds. I write this posting not for answers, but to seek insight into Christ's workings. I try every day to walk down that path of righteousness and even though I stumble, I get up. Sometimes I guess it seems its not enough.
Again I say, I am confess to you all bloggers that I have sinned through my own heart, my thoughts, my words, what I have done and what I have failed to do. I ask for forgiveness and grace to continue to fight the battle for the Kingdom. Amen